my candle.

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But, ah, my foes, and oh, my friends--
It gives a lovely light.

--Edna St. Vincent Millay



Ive been thinking about why im here.
seems liek nothing good ever happenes around me.
my baby cat died in my arms from some sort of freak heart attack.
my grandfather may give me away to a strange family soon.
school is so hard. not the learning part but the truck loads of homework i dont have time to do.

how does this tie into wondering why im here? good question.
its so easy to get lost within all the chaos, and pain can really distort ur veiw of things.
faith is amazing. hope is possibly more amazing still in the fact that.. it simply remains.
danielle eaton had me read romans 8: 31- 39. id given up hope for a moment. there was nothing left...aside from the smallest shred. but i read that...and it gave me an ounce of faith to put with that hope.

a company has my song and are putting me on a cd. that is great ...ive always thought...music is why im here. but when i got this offer..i was excited for a second..then it died...it almost hurt..made me feel .... confused....
why would it do that though? this is the begining of all ive ever wanted right?
God is a funny guy.
he stayed with me the past few days when i was feeling very..very hopeless..and very very alone.

alyssa let me call her the night my cat died.. and texted me today just to ...make sure id stay... wednesday night(kitty dead night) she stayed with me for at least 2 hours mostly jsut listening to me sobbing my heart out and telling me "its ok...its going to be ok" over and over again. she talked about how sometimes bad things happen..that we think can not possibly help to make us stronger..that seem to only hurt and hinder us. but that..sometimes those ae the things God uses...sometimes not for us...but for us to love other people with..so we can relate to some1 who feels like this is the last straw and they cant take any more..because weve been there.

in youthgroup weve been talking about our spiritual gifts too, after right after it was when i foudn my dying cat. and...it didnt sink in till now. music..im good at it...this must be what God wants for me. but to be honest...the music thing is mostly for me. yea God can use it im sure He will..but thats not the mane..thing im for.

looking back on all the crap thats happened and..still happening to me... and what i do even through tough things...
i am a crapy grandaughter...not an amazing student. but i love people. i dont know what career this falls under. but i know deep in my heart God has called me simply to be a friend. a good friend. the kinds people can come to...that people can count on to be selfless...to make time for them...to make them feel like they matter and that they are very much not alone. sure i can do other things. but thats the place where..even when i dont have the words...thats the place where im not the one im living for. im living for God and loving who ever it is im talking to...even if its some1 dont particularly like..im naturaly everyones friend. everyones REAL friend.

its easy for me to think..jees..im everybody elses friend..who the heck is there for me? but thats so not the way to be. after reading that quote up there...i know if i try to find friends for me.... if i try to become something reat and amazing..something to glorify me..... when my candles going.... it will be pretty......ugly... probly burn slower than it will if i do the right thing..the "lovely light" wont be there.

im here to lvoe people...to be the one that helps people to take one more step when they see no reason to even look forward.

i have hope in God. even if its a small hope sometimes.... in that. He will use me. He's not forgotten me..He feels my pain. He listens to me. He's my friend that i can count on likeno other. and its taken me 3 years to relize.