My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But, ah, my foes, and oh, my friends--
It gives a lovely light.
--Edna St. Vincent Millay
Ive been thinking about why im here.
seems liek nothing good ever happenes around me.
my baby cat died in my arms from some sort of freak heart attack.
my grandfather may give me away to a strange family soon.
school is so hard. not the learning part but the truck loads of homework i dont have time to do.
how does this tie into wondering why im here? good question.
its so easy to get lost within all the chaos, and pain can really distort ur veiw of things.
faith is amazing. hope is possibly more amazing still in the fact that.. it simply remains.
danielle eaton had me read romans 8: 31- 39. id given up hope for a moment. there was nothing left...aside from the smallest shred. but i read that...and it gave me an ounce of faith to put with that hope.
a company has my song and are putting me on a cd. that is great ...ive always thought...music is why im here. but when i got this offer..i was excited for a second..then it died...it almost hurt..made me feel .... confused....
why would it do that though? this is the begining of all ive ever wanted right?
God is a funny guy.
he stayed with me the past few days when i was feeling very..very hopeless..and very very alone.
alyssa let me call her the night my cat died.. and texted me today just to ...make sure id stay... wednesday night(kitty dead night) she stayed with me for at least 2 hours mostly jsut listening to me sobbing my heart out and telling me "its ok...its going to be ok" over and over again. she talked about how sometimes bad things happen..that we think can not possibly help to make us stronger..that seem to only hurt and hinder us. but that..sometimes those ae the things God uses...sometimes not for us...but for us to love other people with..so we can relate to some1 who feels like this is the last straw and they cant take any more..because weve been there.
in youthgroup weve been talking about our spiritual gifts too, after right after it was when i foudn my dying cat. and...it didnt sink in till now. music..im good at it...this must be what God wants for me. but to be honest...the music thing is mostly for me. yea God can use it im sure He will..but thats not the mane..thing im for.
looking back on all the crap thats happened and..still happening to me... and what i do even through tough things...
i am a crapy grandaughter...not an amazing student. but i love people. i dont know what career this falls under. but i know deep in my heart God has called me simply to be a friend. a good friend. the kinds people can come to...that people can count on to be selfless...to make time for them...to make them feel like they matter and that they are very much not alone. sure i can do other things. but thats the place where..even when i dont have the words...thats the place where im not the one im living for. im living for God and loving who ever it is im talking to...even if its some1 dont particularly like..im naturaly everyones friend. everyones REAL friend.
its easy for me to think..jees..im everybody elses friend..who the heck is there for me? but thats so not the way to be. after reading that quote up there...i know if i try to find friends for me.... if i try to become something reat and amazing..something to glorify me..... when my candles going.... it will be pretty......ugly... probly burn slower than it will if i do the right thing..the "lovely light" wont be there.
im here to lvoe people...to be the one that helps people to take one more step when they see no reason to even look forward.
i have hope in God. even if its a small hope sometimes.... in that. He will use me. He's not forgotten me..He feels my pain. He listens to me. He's my friend that i can count on likeno other. and its taken me 3 years to relize.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Sunday, October 05, 2008
"could this be out of line?"
sooo........
theres also this guy in school. stephen. he tall, handsom, strong,nice, and he cares enough too. i dont know much about him he doesnt know much about me. but normaly when im sitting alone in the cafeteria or not laughing..looking not sad but..not happy either... like usual.. he comes over to change that. he doesnt have to. hes got his friends but..he takes the time to have a conversation with me. and laugh! he wants to make me laugh.... he takes time to ask how im doing..and he actualy cares. hes not just making conversation. you know when people talk to you..and try to jsut be friends with you and all? he doesnt try to do that. he tries to know me.
the more i tell him....the more stuff its ok to tell him. i guess metephoricly i could say ... i can put my heart in his hands and trust him not with false trust...that he wont drop it. he kinda makes me feel safe. and...important.
honestly... when i think about him... when im with him too... even on the worst days. sudenly im not sad anymore. he really gets me... i get him too. hes pretty spectacular im not going to lie. i wouldnt mind at all getting closer to him.
though we dont flirt much. i meen... yea sometimes i do alittle bit..but mostly we just love being around eachother.... i think he likes me...at least as a friend.
haha he even thinks its the funniest thing in the world when i snort ...yea sometimes i snort when i laugh... i meen...he REALLY likes it. kinda weird? but nah... his laugh.. omw!!!
i love his laugh!! he doesnt try to surpress it at all. and he loves to laugh.
first he opens his mouth up in the biggest smile his face can manage and that makes his eyes squint and his face turns a light shade of our school color. maroon. and he holds his sides like he is literaly going to split at the seems.
=] he can sing too. during drama he had to sing a part and it sounded really good!
ah yea...long storie short i like him.... i like how he talks to me his laugh and....even cheesyer..i liek the way he looks at me. =] alot of people...i see it in the halls and all. they lok at me but they look right through me. or give me a look as if i dont deserve to breath the same air as them. but he looks me right in the eyes...(he has really pretty blue eyes too!) with this soft exspression... like he thinks theres some real value in me. im not gona lie. i love it. love it love it love it.
i wonder if he notices as much about me as i notice about him?.... ah..anyway... just thoughts for the moment.
theres also this guy in school. stephen. he tall, handsom, strong,nice, and he cares enough too. i dont know much about him he doesnt know much about me. but normaly when im sitting alone in the cafeteria or not laughing..looking not sad but..not happy either... like usual.. he comes over to change that. he doesnt have to. hes got his friends but..he takes the time to have a conversation with me. and laugh! he wants to make me laugh.... he takes time to ask how im doing..and he actualy cares. hes not just making conversation. you know when people talk to you..and try to jsut be friends with you and all? he doesnt try to do that. he tries to know me.
the more i tell him....the more stuff its ok to tell him. i guess metephoricly i could say ... i can put my heart in his hands and trust him not with false trust...that he wont drop it. he kinda makes me feel safe. and...important.
honestly... when i think about him... when im with him too... even on the worst days. sudenly im not sad anymore. he really gets me... i get him too. hes pretty spectacular im not going to lie. i wouldnt mind at all getting closer to him.
though we dont flirt much. i meen... yea sometimes i do alittle bit..but mostly we just love being around eachother.... i think he likes me...at least as a friend.
haha he even thinks its the funniest thing in the world when i snort ...yea sometimes i snort when i laugh... i meen...he REALLY likes it. kinda weird? but nah... his laugh.. omw!!!
i love his laugh!! he doesnt try to surpress it at all. and he loves to laugh.
first he opens his mouth up in the biggest smile his face can manage and that makes his eyes squint and his face turns a light shade of our school color. maroon. and he holds his sides like he is literaly going to split at the seems.
=] he can sing too. during drama he had to sing a part and it sounded really good!
ah yea...long storie short i like him.... i like how he talks to me his laugh and....even cheesyer..i liek the way he looks at me. =] alot of people...i see it in the halls and all. they lok at me but they look right through me. or give me a look as if i dont deserve to breath the same air as them. but he looks me right in the eyes...(he has really pretty blue eyes too!) with this soft exspression... like he thinks theres some real value in me. im not gona lie. i love it. love it love it love it.
i wonder if he notices as much about me as i notice about him?.... ah..anyway... just thoughts for the moment.
Friday, October 03, 2008
autum. God. Life. boredom. Algebrah?
autum is funny... i think.
summer was a growing exsperience. it got so stressful though..
so much stuff going on. School harder than ever..life harder than ever. new issues, new friends issues. so many new choices and the wrong ones looking more right than ever... that jsut a sumary of what the past month has been.
though it seems liek every year just as everyone gets used to summer and starts not caring wether its warm and not loathing the snow as much everything changes so drasticly. one days everything seems liek one giant stroek of green..everything loks the same..then they become every color imagin able. nothing the same and its not jsut one blah color to be bored with.
thats how its starting to be again in just normal life..with me anyway.
Its easy as a Christian..as a human to get used to and bored with even the most exciting wonderfull thing if its played to often. like playing the best cd over and over..you get sick of it eventualy.. youve memorised everyword and note and theres nothing else to do with it.
well.. God kinda...chaninging things up enough so that im not in a vegatative state anymore. for one example... theres this person at school.... let me tell you he is spectacular. i cant find a thing wrong iwth him! He talks to me...laughs with me... thinks that my snort is the most halarious thing...and thinks im the funniest girl in our class. He jokes with me and makes even the worst day better jsut with his unique smile. He has a good heart too. he's not quiet and shy and reclusive... hes outgoing but hes not anoying or obnoxious. He might even beat danielle eaton for valadictorian..super smart. He walks with me and sits by me in drama practice and in school when he could be haning out with other people. people who i see as more ..his level so to speak. im really starting to like him. latly...seems liek theres no one to talk to..and ive started praying for God to make it so i dont feel like...on edge like i do with pretty much everyone and maybe have soem1 who i can jsutrelax around and talk to honestly. and...this guy sudenly decides to include me in his life.
second thing.
friends. God taking out some people and putting in new ones. and im finding this strange courage to talk to people like ive never had before. im finding that real friends are like....the good grain from the chaf.... when wind comes the chaf gets blown away onto..where ever it likes and is to..not dense that it jsut cant stay down. like that verse in the Bible where its like..but those who dont ask in faith are like the waves tossed and turned by the wind.
Im learning what its liek to be a real friend not jsut some1 to laugh with. what its liek to earn trust instead of look for some1 to trust. learning how to listen instead of concetraiting on being heard.
also learning that listening to that gut feeling. call it God call it intuition(I lean mroe towards God) its a good idea. i used to be scared to ask a total stranger or a random person ive never talked to before in the hall way if "hey..are you ok?" even if they jsut shake it off and say "yea im good" they know some1 cared...im learning with people..that small insignificant moment can meen the whole world to some1.
its easy to get bored with life. but theres always something thats happening..always something to act on and ...even if your eyes cant see the end(paramore quote) or anything to learn..then its time to put what youve learned into action. im also finding as Richard said. the more you practice the better you get.
its like 8thgrade algebrah... yu dont know what to do to solve the problem but jsut start with what you know, the solution reveals itself as you go.
God.... how could i have ever thought i was bored with You? im glad even though im spiritualy still the little 8thgrader who didnt want to do school work because she didnt know how to do the whole problem off the top of her head. you still are the gentle loving teacher thats saying go ahead and try it. jsut do what you know.
thankyou for still even when i dont listen for still listening to me whine about all of it. and still being patient with me.
summer was a growing exsperience. it got so stressful though..
so much stuff going on. School harder than ever..life harder than ever. new issues, new friends issues. so many new choices and the wrong ones looking more right than ever... that jsut a sumary of what the past month has been.
though it seems liek every year just as everyone gets used to summer and starts not caring wether its warm and not loathing the snow as much everything changes so drasticly. one days everything seems liek one giant stroek of green..everything loks the same..then they become every color imagin able. nothing the same and its not jsut one blah color to be bored with.
thats how its starting to be again in just normal life..with me anyway.
Its easy as a Christian..as a human to get used to and bored with even the most exciting wonderfull thing if its played to often. like playing the best cd over and over..you get sick of it eventualy.. youve memorised everyword and note and theres nothing else to do with it.
well.. God kinda...chaninging things up enough so that im not in a vegatative state anymore. for one example... theres this person at school.... let me tell you he is spectacular. i cant find a thing wrong iwth him! He talks to me...laughs with me... thinks that my snort is the most halarious thing...and thinks im the funniest girl in our class. He jokes with me and makes even the worst day better jsut with his unique smile. He has a good heart too. he's not quiet and shy and reclusive... hes outgoing but hes not anoying or obnoxious. He might even beat danielle eaton for valadictorian..super smart. He walks with me and sits by me in drama practice and in school when he could be haning out with other people. people who i see as more ..his level so to speak. im really starting to like him. latly...seems liek theres no one to talk to..and ive started praying for God to make it so i dont feel like...on edge like i do with pretty much everyone and maybe have soem1 who i can jsutrelax around and talk to honestly. and...this guy sudenly decides to include me in his life.
second thing.
friends. God taking out some people and putting in new ones. and im finding this strange courage to talk to people like ive never had before. im finding that real friends are like....the good grain from the chaf.... when wind comes the chaf gets blown away onto..where ever it likes and is to..not dense that it jsut cant stay down. like that verse in the Bible where its like..but those who dont ask in faith are like the waves tossed and turned by the wind.
Im learning what its liek to be a real friend not jsut some1 to laugh with. what its liek to earn trust instead of look for some1 to trust. learning how to listen instead of concetraiting on being heard.
also learning that listening to that gut feeling. call it God call it intuition(I lean mroe towards God) its a good idea. i used to be scared to ask a total stranger or a random person ive never talked to before in the hall way if "hey..are you ok?" even if they jsut shake it off and say "yea im good" they know some1 cared...im learning with people..that small insignificant moment can meen the whole world to some1.
its easy to get bored with life. but theres always something thats happening..always something to act on and ...even if your eyes cant see the end(paramore quote) or anything to learn..then its time to put what youve learned into action. im also finding as Richard said. the more you practice the better you get.
its like 8thgrade algebrah... yu dont know what to do to solve the problem but jsut start with what you know, the solution reveals itself as you go.
God.... how could i have ever thought i was bored with You? im glad even though im spiritualy still the little 8thgrader who didnt want to do school work because she didnt know how to do the whole problem off the top of her head. you still are the gentle loving teacher thats saying go ahead and try it. jsut do what you know.
thankyou for still even when i dont listen for still listening to me whine about all of it. and still being patient with me.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Uninted by grace..chance of a lifetime?
oh man so.. something amazing is happening.
i have a music profile..imr eally into music...[ http://www.myspace.com/devonmcdaniel ] and the top song i have on there right now is called "these days". i wrote it sung it and played it and recorded it myself.
well. this organsation called Quickstar productions messeged me and said that they want to use that song on their compilation Cd called "Uninted by Grace"
i would get 50 albums on cd to seel around here and if i sold them at say 8 dolars each i'd get 400 dolars. i get 100% of the sales that way.
they would also put my song online on itunes,rhapsody,amazon,walmart, and napster...and i would get 50% of all the sales from that. PLUSS they would sell my song as a ring tone that way too!
then...they also send my song to a LOAD of college and internet radio station and podcasts around the WORLD.
jsut when you think it cant get better..it does.
they would take my picture and have me write a bio about myself and send it out to RECORD LABELS! and music managements and stuff....... how cool is that. in all seriousness.
the thing is...im gona have my lawyer check it out..to see if its legit. but..if it is..i have to get my hands on 155$ somehow so that i can buy the first 50 cds...
id earn all the money back but..right now..al i have is 5 dolars in my pocket....
and i only have till october 25th to get the money and the forms and everything mailed to them and my song and whatnot...24 days.
im gona be praying logn and hard bouat this. ive been praying for something liek this to happen for so so long! now that its here...... God is goign to HAVE to provide and work this one out for me.... i know i cnat do it on my own.
ah man im so thankful for this opportunity though! =]
so whoever's reading..jsut keep me in your prayers ok? thanks =]
and if you want..check out my music!
http://www.myspace.com/devonmcdaniel
i have a music profile..imr eally into music...[ http://www.myspace.com/devonmcdaniel ] and the top song i have on there right now is called "these days". i wrote it sung it and played it and recorded it myself.
well. this organsation called Quickstar productions messeged me and said that they want to use that song on their compilation Cd called "Uninted by Grace"
i would get 50 albums on cd to seel around here and if i sold them at say 8 dolars each i'd get 400 dolars. i get 100% of the sales that way.
they would also put my song online on itunes,rhapsody,amazon,walmart, and napster...and i would get 50% of all the sales from that. PLUSS they would sell my song as a ring tone that way too!
then...they also send my song to a LOAD of college and internet radio station and podcasts around the WORLD.
jsut when you think it cant get better..it does.
they would take my picture and have me write a bio about myself and send it out to RECORD LABELS! and music managements and stuff....... how cool is that. in all seriousness.
the thing is...im gona have my lawyer check it out..to see if its legit. but..if it is..i have to get my hands on 155$ somehow so that i can buy the first 50 cds...
id earn all the money back but..right now..al i have is 5 dolars in my pocket....
and i only have till october 25th to get the money and the forms and everything mailed to them and my song and whatnot...24 days.
im gona be praying logn and hard bouat this. ive been praying for something liek this to happen for so so long! now that its here...... God is goign to HAVE to provide and work this one out for me.... i know i cnat do it on my own.
ah man im so thankful for this opportunity though! =]
so whoever's reading..jsut keep me in your prayers ok? thanks =]
and if you want..check out my music!
http://www.myspace.com/devonmcdaniel
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