tonight ~ the afters.

i dont want to be the girl that swears
i dont want to be the girl that thinks dirty and makes dirty jokes
the one who has had...yes..has had a girlfriend.
i dont want to be the girl that thinks selfishly
i dont want to be the impatient girl that is always consumed by wishing her future husband was here,NOW.
i dont want to be the girl that has no love in her heart for her grandfather, that has too much pride to admit shes been wrong and too much pride to say "im sorry" even though she knows she will NEVER get one back.
the girl who cant forgive her father and only wishes he would change but instead should forgive him and simply make the best out of what IS, NOW.
I dont want to be the girl that just hates her life all the itme because thigns arent how she wants them.

i dont want to be the rebel. i dont want to be famous. i dont want to be popular. i dont want to need to be liked by everyone.

i want to be the one with a love for God so much it shines out in all she does, thinks, and says.

i dont care about being wise, about being the best anymore...i just want to be what He has honestly made me to be...
i hate it that ive gone so much against him.

i dotn wana be angry at my grandfather anymore...

i dotn know how to love him..ill be honest about that but... i want to try..even though my self-richous justified self says that my grandfather dosnt deserve it.

i want to be abe to let go of the wrong things and be thankful joyful and praiseful for the right things.


ive messed up. i havent been a good friend,and i feel liek...ive become this empty shell that would crumble the second anything touches me, good or bad.

im not gun a promise ill change. i jsut..know i need to... and need to just....honestly... get over myself.